Two months

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It’s been two months since Granny died. I still feel insane. I still feel like I’ve misunderstood or maybe it was just a horrible nightmare or it can’t be possible.

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I’ve thought a lot about what I believe about death. I don’t really want to get into talking about all of that any time soon, but… I don’t even know how to explain it. Most of my ideas are less vague now. But they’re still complicated.

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Is the 15th of every month for the rest of my life going to feel this way? This out-of-control, lost, confused way?

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kids’ gallery wall

I’ve always wanted to be that person who is able to pull together gallery wall ideas, buy the frames, insert art into frames, put framed art on the wall in prearranged pattern, and enjoy.

It’s possible that from the way I listed all those steps, you’re already figuring that somewhere in this process I GET LOST. You would be correct. If I have an idea, I balk at the price of frames. I can’t shop at the thrift store without taking more Benadryl than I can take while I’m nursing a baby, and I don’t have the mental capacity to find what I want while I’m pregnant, so the past three years (and a couple of months) have been a flat bust in the find-frames-cheap department. Which is fine. Because I can’t leave the furniture in place for long enough to make a wall gallery work, anyway.

So. Failure. And that’s fine. Because it’s pushed me to be resourceful and to gracefully and with dignity be FINE (no, really) with alternatives that fit our season of life. It’s sort of like how I stopped buying lamps I like. Because. *sob* Children are too rough on lamps to have lamps you like that will hurt your heart if the lamps are broken.

Gallery wall.

Kids’ room gallery wall.

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I designed these signs to print on watercolor paper, and there’s a set up in the living room that I decorated. When I did them, nokids wanted to be involved. But later, they wanted to do the signs, too, confound it. So I printed these on normal printer paper (not even cardstock, which would have been smarter), and they sat in my bedroom for a few weeks.

Last night, the kids were being wild and I needed to know they weren’t hiding somewhere doing something destructive, so I pulled out the signs and my washi tape and some rubber stamps and ink. When I asked about other supplies, everyone expressed disdain for anything beyond stamps and ink. We stuck with those.

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And after the initial “Oh, not like that…” I just let them do it. I wanted the washi tape to match – the prints and the room. Theeeeeeeyyyyyy did not care, and this is what they picked.

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We added a painting Aiden did a few months ago and a couple of photo prints, and I was anxious.

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Then Quinn wandered into the bedroom and yelled, “It’s so good! Thank you!” and Aiden agreed that it was wonderful and Brennan was all, “Thank you! Thank you! I want to reach it my picture!” They all had to tell Jonathan what everything is (using rather a lot of pleasant adjectives).

I’m glad I helped them do this.

girl trip

Annie, Brennan, and I went with my mother, grandmother, aunt, and cousin to the beach for a few days. The point was to spend time together, and to see some of Granny’s family. The weather was not awesome for a super wonderful beach trip, BUT we did get to spend time in the sun, and the gulf was lovely, and overall I rate it a great time. The photos I’m posting are in reverse order… and I’m going to leave them that way.

iphone20140329_163 iphone20140329_161iphone20140328_153(somebody didn’t want to sit in a chair, so somebody was in the floor, ALL THE WAY IN THE FLOOR, watching a fish tank and chatting with people who came up the stairs. and I just let her be that way. because. the beach.)iphone20140327_138Β (not asleep. not at all asleep. not hardly. but cuddling and playing and precious.)iphone20140327_130 iphone20140327_128 iphone20140327_118Β (the balcony was HUGE, and brennan loved watching the big water. just from the safety of the 9th story, though. the actual big water was a no-go.)iphone20140327_116 iphone20140327_113(we didn’t want to wake the goose enough to actually dress her when we first got in the car – it was crazy o’clock – so she ended up in a tee, sweatshirt, and leggings. and at some point she spilled something all down her leggings, so by the time we got to the beach, she was without pants. fine. at least she was duck-facing for the camera, right?!?)

 

choosing love

The past twelve hours have flown by. My plans for the day were to put together the crib for Annie, finish school before lunch, and not have a bigger mess when Jonathan got home than when he left for work.

I got a shower this morning (woohoo!) and we ate breakfast and did school work. We read Tomie dePaola’s book about Saint Patrick. The big kids helped me put together the crib. We ate lunch. We played hard. Annie slobbered on me (she’s big on slobbering lately). We cleaned up the living room. We played some more.

We had a great day!

And then there was sibling battle – an extended version – and after Jonathan got home it continued, and somebody got lectured three times and put in the bedroom and then had to do copy work. About love.

Did it help?

Of course not. But another lecture (fight. it was a fight) and some alone time made somebody more receptive to the idea of making good choices. Choices that show other people that we love them.

turning points

I bought an out-of-print book from a third-party seller on Amazon, like, totally on one of those whims they make movies about. You know what I mean – they’re fodder for documentaries and comedies alike. I am hoping this leads to epic win documentary level, instead of comedy or epic fail documentary.

We’re making plans for some serious gardening this year. I’m making plans for some serious produce-related projects. These projects may be pushed into next year, not gonna pretend like I’m aiming for total annihilation of my stuff-to-try wish list THIS YEAR. But I do want to begin preparing – building knowledge and examining space and thinking about time necessary. And I want to plant food and flowers and make the space around our home as enjoyable as it can be.