I’m posting this at all three blogs (thebarntales, tendingbabylon, and the writenow secret blog) because I feel like I NEED to take a moment to begin to really assimilate some of the thoughts I had during a webinar about goal planning and in the first moments after – and I can’t decide which place to post it.
I feel energized and empowered – even though my kids did all sorts of sneakily messy things and Ann wanted to be held the whole time and I am not any closer to clarity. I can make life happen. Good life. Solid life. I can do it, because God will help me.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: God gives us what he wants us to have to do what he wants us to do. I believe it’s up to us to do it well, and with honor, and with dignity.
I wasn’t sure how to respond immediately after the webinar, to be honest. Then I saw where @pursuit31 (on Instagram) posted Matthew 11:28-30 from the Message, and it helped my heart. The part that helps me is “Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”
I fall into the comparison trap OFTEN. I feel like because other people manage to have kids and do other work, then I am behind somehow. I KNOW that I’m in a very special and temporary season of life; it won’t be long until I have the time and the energy to go after some of the additional things I feel called to do.
But right now, I need to learn to trust and believe God, to simply dance along to this unforced rhythm and to accept as fitting this task. I admit freely and whole-heartedly that I look for other things to do because I don’t believe I’m capable of being the wife, mother, and friend I should be. I don’t believe that I’m enough. I want to pile other expectations onto myself so that it’s generally understood that NAH, I’m NOT enough.
That’s sad. And now that I’ve recognized and admitted that to myself, it’s time to stop shrinking and hiding. It’s time to do what I believe I should do, to begin to plan the things I foresee in my future, and to open myself up so that it’s God working through me. I don’t have to flail. I don’ t have to struggle. I don’t have to mourn lost opportunities. Sure, those things will happen some days. But the patterns and the habits stop now. Progress. I can make progress. I can grow. And I can dump this guilt and fear and lift my heart to be filled with the good things God has for me.
I’m not sure that I’m making any sense, but wow do I feel better than I have in weeks.
And, feeling like a bit of a moron (just calling it like it is), I’ve decided to rejoin Facebook. I will be limiting my number of friends (I bet any of you reading this will totally make the team, so no worries there, haha), but I’ll have pages for various projects and I will join groups. I’m still very upset with what a time-suck it is and the drama it encourages, and infuriated (!!!) at what I see as a ridiculous graphic-content policy. However, I need some of the networking capabilities. But if I see anybody’s head getting chopped off, or pictures of aborted fetuses, or any such “protest” postings, I WILL QUIT AGAIN.